SCENE: A room in ROSLIN'S house.
Enter ROSLIN and NATHAN.
ROS. 'Tis strange he comes not!
NATH. Sir, if you can't take me with you, wouldn't you like to hear one more joke before you go? I have been studying half a dozen, and if you choose, I'll write them fair and put them into your trunk, to help the dulness of the steamboat.
ROS. My poor boy, I have lost my relish for jokes. I envy you your spirits and your boyhood. Once I was like yourself.
NATH. Sir, you are not an old man; and if gravity comes as soon and unexpected over youth as a cloud over an American sky, I pray heaven I may be a boy to my dying day.
ROS. Your fate will be one chequered with joy and sorrow. I can read your character and fortunes in after life; they are those of a man of genius. You will neglect the golden chances of life, and for the hope of enjoying a barren reputation, for the sake of praise and fame, you will devote yourself to a profession whose rewards are for the most part poverty and mortification; and sometimes, boy, when I am dead, you will feel I have well predicted your fate.
NATH. When you are dead, sir, I will write your Epitaph. I wrote Miss Emma's this morning. Sir, I sometimes think she and I ought to be brother and sister.
ROS. And why?
NATH. Because she appears to have the same pedigree with myself, and in my mind ought to take the same name.so, here comes the Virginia gentleman. I like that man, he is so merry.
Enter RALEIGH, JR.
RAL.JR. Begone, boy
NATH. Umph!
Exit.
ROS. I have been waiting for you. I have prepared every thing, and now
RAL.JR. Have you prepared for death?
ROS. A singular question! Come, let us go.
RAL.JR. Stay. Your man is in prison.
ROS. In prison!
RAL.JR. Ay, for a knave that has no equal on Earth. His devil has deserted him. Sir, that man is my cousin the knave, Benjamin Garket; and I wouldn't have you harm my cousin, though he is a knave, ha, ha!
ROS. Then the quarrel is over, thank heaven! and now for a more agreeable duty.
RAL.JR. Stay, sir. There's another lays claim to the combat with you.
ROS. Another!
RAL.JR. Ay. One you have injured beyond forgiveness.
ROS. I have injured no man.
RAL.JR. By heaven, you have;one that loves you too, and yet will slay you.
ROS. You jest!
RAL.JR. You have dishonoured him, made him and his whole house loathsome to themselves and all, ridiculously loathsome.
ROS. If I have wronged any one it was unconsciously.
RAL.JR. Unconsciously! I know it was. I know you love me, and would not willingly load me with shame and disgrace.
ROS. You!
RAL.JR. Ay, me! your friend! The city rings with it already; and I must kill you.
ROS. You are mad!
RAL.JR. Come take it. 'Twas meant for this morning's duty, and will serve your turn. Take your place.
ROS. Heaven bless me, Ned! are your wits gone? or is this but a boyish jest?
RAL.JR. I am serious and rational. Take it and defend yourself.
ROS. He is mad, mad! and dangerous. So, ho! there!
RAL.JR. Peace! I can trifle no longer. Take the weapon, or I will blow you through the head.
ROS. Madman! how have I injured you?
RAL.JR. I'll not blister my tongue, nor shock your ears by speaking how. But you are a villain. Defend yourself.
ROS. Ha! steps on the stairs.
RAL.JR. Then there is not a moment to be lost. Heaven have mercy on your soul!
Enter RALEIGH, SR., HEADSTRONG, DIANA, and NATHAN.
RAL.SR. Hold, you fool; give me the pistol, you brawling puppy. Sir, you are a hot-headed fellow, and I am half minded to cane you, I am, you dog. How dare you think of pointing a pistol at a man, without asking my permission, you puppy?so, he's a pretty fellow, and I like him hugely.How dare you, you young rake-hell, point a pistol at my son Ned?
ROS. If you are that madcap's father, I must beg you to keep him out of mischief: He's crazy. 'Sdeath, he was about to shoot me! He talked about injuries, wrongs, dishonour, and so forth, when, on my life, I know less of his meaning than he does himself.
RAL.SR. Sir, you are a base, prevaricating fellow; and Ned speaks the truth.
ROS. How, sir!
HEAD. Let me explain.
RAL.SR. Keep dumb, old gentleman. Here, you, I tell you, you look like an exceeding wicked young man. Send directly for that piece of scarlet deviltry you stole from her honest parent, honest old Gall; that painted girl, I say, that wench, that horrible young hypocrite, sir, that that
DIAN. Is this old gentleman mad!
RAL.SR. That Emma Gall, that's her name.
ROS. Sir, I believe insanity runs in your family. Whatever interest you may have in this unfortunate girl, I know not; but this I am sure of, every Epithet you have applied to her is excused only by your dotage. How is this, uncle? What means this?
HEAD. It means that you are accused (Stand back, Dy:) ofpooh! Send for the girl here. Bring her, little fellow.
Exit NATHAN.
ROS. I have already said, and I repeat, that your suspicions are slanders only upon your own good sense; and I must add, this singular visit and ridiculous charge are as unwelcome as meddlesome.
RAL.SR. Hear him! Stand back. Enter EMMA and NATHAN. Lord, but she is a sweet looking creature!
NATH. Come on; don't be afraid; they won't eat you.
DIAN. Let me speak to her, father; she is frighted.
HEAD. Peace. Let this old madcap play out his plot.
ROS. Sir, if you intend to take upon you any officiousness, remember it is a woman, a virtuous, delicate and unhappy woman you speak to.
RAL.SR. Oh Ned! look at her!
EM. Sir, what is the meaning of this? Why am I called before strangers that do not, and acquaintances that will not know me?
ROS. That these old folks will answer. They come, I believe, to vent some silly and unmanly slander; but rest assured that their attempts will only fix you more firmly in my esteem.
RAL.SR. Stand away, you talkative fellow. Here you, you girl (Oh the mouse!) what's your name?
NATH. What an old fool, to talk that way to a pretty young lady!
EM. Alas! I know not, sir.
RAL.SR. I am told it is a devilish bad one, and that this fellow here has been trying to make it worse.
EM. You should not jest with the unhappy.
RAL.SR. You're right: I shall blubber by and by like a teething child. Don't you know it' s a sad thing for a young woman's fame to be found under this fellow's protection? for how can he protect that in another which he has not himself?
EM. I know I am destitute and misunderstood, reproached not only for my misfortunes, but for accepting the kindness of the benevolent.
RAL.SR. How she talks!But this fellow is a deceiver, a very dragon; the greatest rake, villain, rascal, scoundrel, cut-throat
EM. Hold, sir. Now I find I was deceived in you. I thought you a kind and just man: you are not.
RAL.SR. The sweet imp! he shall have her, ha, ha, ha!How now, mistress! Why he is accused, and he can't deny it, of stealing you from your parents; nay of breaking open the house, knocking down your good old mother, and carrying you off, before she was done crying mercy.
EM. You are deceived. I see that
slander misinterprets,
The noblest deeds, and of an act that angels
Are proud to witness, will form a tale
That devils shrink abashed from. Hear the truth:
From violence, from the brutality
Of drunkenness, (when she you called my mother,
Scoffed at my cries,) this gentleman rescued me;
And, though suspicion called me low and base,
Cast me not out upon the frowning world,
To roam a beggar and a wretch forever.
I had no friends, no parents, and no home:
He gave them all, offered a home, a parent
In his good mother, and in himself a friend.
If there be fault in this, be mine the blame.
DIAN. It is shameful to trifle with her longer. Emma! My friend! my sister!
RAL.JR. And mine.That I should be the dog to suspect her!
RAL.SR. Kiss me, you melancholy thing, kiss your father.
EM. Father!
RAL.SR. Why yes, didn't I tell you before? I thought you was drowned; but it was all a sham of that damned old hag
EM. Oh sir! and a brother! Am I not in a dream?
ROS. And a lover too, Emma. Are we not all in a dream? Pr'ythee, pinch me, Nathan. Ha, ha, ha! why this is rare! You, sir, her father? you my friend's father, the father of
RAL.SR. of Emma Raleigh, you dog, no more Emma GALL.
EM. Oh, sir, and my mother! Have I a mother?
O'SLASH. Why look ye, young jewel, you had a mother; but when we were hunting for you, she took it into her head you had gone to heaven; and there she went to look after you.
RAL.SR. And wasn't she disappointed though? ha, ha, ha!
ROS. Hark you, Ned, you once wished you had a sister to give me. Shall I have her? You don't value her very high, I know; a pearl with so big a Jaw, a bone fit to turn a well bred stomach,ha, ha, ha! Give me your hand; take it, or I'll blow you through the head.
RAL.JR. Curse your reminiscences: I was a fool, and so were you.
HEAD. How many brains are running topsy-turvy now!
NATH. I have seen the like in novels and plays: but that such things should happen in Philadelphia!
RAL.SR. Come here, you jade. Now what are the young fools talking about?
ROS. Of another change of names, my dear sir.
EM. I hardly know how to realize my new condition. But if gratitude to my preserver does not argue ingratitude to my father, I would gladly convince this gentleman, that what Emma Gall could not hear, Emma Raleigh is desirous to grant.
DIAN. And if I may follow a good example, I am ready to hear what this young wretch has got to say. Come, say it, and be quick.
RAL.SR. Send for a parson.
DIAN. For what, sir?
RAL.SR. A parson; and we'll all be married together.
DIAN. But the State's Rights, sir?
RAL.SR. A fig for State's Rights! Send me a parson.
DIAN. And the tariff?
RAL.SR. May go to the devil. I'll never talk politics again. He shall have you.
DIAN. What, marry such political principles! political fanaticism and corruption! Sooner match my son to e squaw or an alligator. Let me ask you what you think of the Slave System, Mr. Raleigh?
RAL.SR. Take her away, Ned, or she'll set me crazy. Old fellow, a'n't you pleased? and you, you young spider, what's-your-name, a'n't you pleased? you with your mouth open there?
NATH. My name's Nobody, and I am surprised. What, is that young lady your daughter? and is she to be married?
RAL.SR: Yes, all to be married, monkey.
NATH. And what's to become of me? am I to be married too? If I am, I pray you will find me some rich old woman, rich, for it is as ridiculous to match wit with poor beauty, as to tie an eagle to a snappin'-turtle; and old, for by the time she dies and leaves me her money, I shall just be old enough to marry somebody else, and then youth and beauty for my money. Sir, had you never a son stolen away as well as a daughter?
RAL.SR. No.
NATH. Well, well, I shall perhaps find some dull old fellow one day, to father me and my jokes. But this is all very strange; very strange adventures; and when I am a man, I will make 'em into a tragico-comical play; and I think, 'twill succeed, for what Nobody writes, nobody ought to damn.
RAL.JR. Succeed! what will the people think of it?
NATH. Think nothing at all, till they have heard what folks t'other side the water say of it. Nobody has a right here, in such matters to think first and for himself. We're too young a people for that; and our modesty says we want judgement, and must form our opinions at second hand.Well, fun for me, and good luck for all. I desire to congratulate all here, these matrimonial ladies and gentlemen, and especially
Miss Emma, for she has found a father.
Alas for me! no father yet appears,
To call me son, and lug me by the ears;
To find me friends, and buy me a schoolmaster,
By rods to make ideas gallop faster;
Where e'er he walked, to bid the people follows
And show me for a smart dog, like Apollo.
Shall I go look for him the wide world through?
Perhaps he's lurking in the midst of you!
Faith! there's a face I'd almost call his own,
'Cause of its threatning and parental frown,
Expressing very clearly to my eye,
You mischievous dog, I'll flog you by and by.
And there's another; better still! it smiled!
Like a kind father on a pardoned child:
And there's another,smiling too!another!
Each one that smiles must be my father's brother:
My honoured uncles!Faith! and there's a cousin!
How d'e do?Another! one, two, three, a dozen!
Be all relations; and as such, you'll pass
A kinder sentence on our Looking Glass.
Exeunt.
FINIS
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